A Modern Day Tragedy

I suppose I thought once I turned 18, and came out of the closet life itself would magically spit me out some kind of plan for life. A step by step " How To Guide" of navigating GAY-T-L, finding love, finishing school, and everything else life has to offer...

As children and teenagers grow up, we have to get ourselves out of the mental mindset of " I know what I want, and I want it now..." We are used to getting results in the here, and now, and hate waiting. Over the last few years I have come to realize this, and I believe I am finally coming out of that mindset. I have come to learn patience( to a degree), and not to expect people to meet up to my expectations of them, I have had to relearn what rejection means in the sense of romance, and what rejection feels like on the professional level. I have had to come to terms that I am a mortal soul, who will someday seize to exist, and am starting to realize what matters the most in living life to the fullest is my own self happiness.

At this point in my life I would say I am content, I tried living on my own for about a year and half, but when I got laid off moved back home. This though I feel has caused a few good things... I finally got my ass into college over the last year, and have actually managed to stay there. I have actually found something I enjoy studying, which is Russian... Oh, BTW I will be in Moscow for 6 weeks this summer... Yeah, I actually made a plan and have stuck to it!!! GO ME!

I somehow have ended up working the last 12 year as a makeup artist, and I am not bad at it surprisingly, and I make decent money for a college student.

I guess I am in that point in my life where I am transitioning from a boi to a man, and it is a scary journey. However, each day that goes by means I am one day closer to completing this journey...

Cheers,

T

You know that saying, " Even in a crowded room, you can feel so alone?"

I never knew what people ment by that exactly. Now I very aware though of how isolated I am in the scene of GAY-T-L. I was raised Mormon, I think I have been through a lot in my life, but also I know a lot of people have. These events even though not the best, have created the man I am to oneday become. I am believe when I become a man, which in my book includes a bachelors, a full head of hair, and being over 24 years of age, I will be very proud.

But on the Friday night of Pride, I decided to go in full out DRAG to Pride Prom. I thought I did a pretty damn decent job, I do decent makeup, and I had a gorgeous dress, handbag, wig, etc... Well I get there and everyone is like OMG you look great. So I was like"YAY!"

Well as the evening passed( ALL 1 HOUR OF IT!), I decided I wanted to go Wild Mustangs. Well I had noone to go with, and I ran into someone I had not seen in a year. They tagged along with me...

We get to Mustangs, and noone is really there yet. But soon it packs up, and I thought I had a few DRAG queen, whom I THOUGHT were kinda my friends. I got ripped from head to toe, just viscous. And all this was in the name of pure fun. 

I was told I needed to shave my eyebrows, needed more makeup, needed a better wig, needed to appear more womanly, etc etc etc... From people who I have blown, and been blown from. And just for the record JUSTICE, you give terrible blowjobs!

Well I change, then I sit there watching my peers pass me. I am like an alien to them, foreign against whatever vision of perfection they have in their heads. It was in that moment that I realized more then anything I wanted to fit in with them. Tag along with them and their groupies, wearing their MAC, Glamorous clothing, colors, glitter, talk they talk, dance like they dance, and just be one of them. They do no acknowledge for me who I am.

I am far to radical to fit in with them. A aloner amongst my peers, striking out on my own, only to find the same thing in every corner of this city. 18-24 year olds who party, drink, smoke, and say "TRUST" and "Sickening" with every word. 

I wanted to cry, because for the first time in years I felt like I truly had no place. I really have no close gay friends, just people who I get drunk with, or see at clubs/bars and get drunk with. I don't even drink but maybe every couple of months.

I left citing that I was tired...

Driving home I played every sad song I have in my Ipod, but more or less it was Miranda Lambert- More Like Her

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Fast forward to the next day, and I am happier. I mingle with the 25+ crowd so well, I can hold a conversation, I can drink and hold my liquer, and just chat. I am no queen, fairy, and especially not a twink.

I strive to be more then I am, I am intellegent, I am ambitious, I have goals not dreams, I drive a truck, I like my John Deer cap, I love the likers of Sugarland, Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, Kellie Pickler, and Taylor Swift, I can sustain myself in chaos when other my age surrender to doubt and fear. Somehow I am different, but then again I am the same.

I guess what I am trying to say is I am still struggling to find my identity. I know I am gay, but that is part of me, not who I am. That is what makes me unique amongst my peers, my achievements and intellect are unrivaled when it comes to them. Yet, I need to find myself amongst the chaos of my mind, and amongst the foundation which my past has created for me. There are thousands of islands in the sea, and I have been to just a handful. There is still so much for me to witness, and experience, perhaps I am still to young to know the true me. We will see I suppose, it I do become the man I had once envisioned, or someone entirely. 

PS- Forgive the bad grammar, it is late and I have school in a few hours, this was written in a hurry!

So another two weeks have come and gone in the life of T. Nothing very excited has happened that I can think of really. Besides that fact that I went on a horrible date!

So, I started a new job a few weeks ago. I was walking around the complex, and I met this other guy... Obviously he was gay! So we talked, and he seemed sweet, but a little nerdy. He was kinda cute in a weird geeky way, so I decided to go on a date with him that evening.

Well I meet him at work, and then we drive to his place. It was a nice little apartment thing, and he was talking all happy and everything. He was not sure where to take me, but I love sushi and he knew this cool little sushi place.

We get there, and they know him by name. (Joseph is his name sorry!) We small talk, he talks about his best friend Rachel who is just so Glamorous. This that and the other, and it wasn't awkward silence kinda date, just friendly talk. At this point I wasn't really digging it, but I needed some! Like it has been a while, so when he started talking about going to his place to watch a movie I was like ,"OKAY!"

Then we are ready to leave, and when we get the check he asks to SPLIT the damn thing. In my mind I was like " Oh hell no bitch, you didn't drag me out here through this 1 hour of hell to split this check!" Of course I didn't say it! But he was like oh I haven't gotten paid, excuses excuses excuses.

So we head over back to his place in his shitty little car. I was kinda ticked, but whatever. Then he starts talking about his music career, how he wants to be an organ player, his church choir, and this and that other bull shit! I cannot people who so strongly believe in a GOD, I am a devote atheist, and worshipper of Carl Sagan, Richard Dawkins, and so on! I had to keep my mouth shut!

So we get back to his place, and he like I can be a killer bar tender! I was okay, make me a Saphire Martini! He makes it, and it tastes like SHIT! I live for Gin and Whiskey, this asshole kinda fucked up my love for Gin!Well we stick in a movie, and he starts rubbing my back, and all that. I just pull up, and sit with my legs crossed Indian style on the couch. He eventually gets the message!

I leave, and he texts me on the way home! " I had fun cute boi, why didn't you cuddle with me!

I respond-Your kinda cute, but I am just not digging it

I don't hear anything back!

Well I saw this boi out Saturday night, and he was fucking drunk. We are sitting outside of this club drinking bears, and martinis, and here comes Josephs drunk ass. I was with one of my friends Corey, and Joseph is like bringing back old memories of him when they dated 2 years ago. Telling us how much he missed him after three dates, blah blah blah!

Well then he blurts out in qoute, " Corey, I want to take you home, and have your piss on me again!"

That just ruined the moment, Coreys face went blood shot red...

It was awkward and out night ended at that moment.

But Corey, is le mucho hottness.. So feel free to piss white stuff on me honey!

God, do I ever love Russian men, there is just something so about them! As you can see from a random Google search to the left!

I want to go to Russia next summer to Moscow State University and study Russian. My Mother, is absolutely baffled by the idea, and thinks I would do better staying at home. However, if I save up for the trip, and pay for it myself what can the woman say! Her reasons are the Russian Mob, Communists, Terrorists, and the fact that I do not speak Russian.

Her reasoning is I am Hispanic, so therefore I must speak Spanish! She is fine with me backpacking Central America for a month, with less then mediocre Spanish skills. Staying in a third world country, shitty hostels, riding third world buses, going to villages in the middle of nowhere, and being out contact from the civilized for for days on end! So, there you have another attempt at Mothers reason!

Back to my main point...

I have always had a random fascination with Russia. I remember watching Anastasia the movie years ago when I was like 8. I used to pretend I was the long lost heir to the Russian throne. prance around singing songs from that damn movie, and thinking I was a Princess... Yeah, big shocker- I'm GAY!

Plus the Russian language is gorgeous to me. I love how they speak, and the culture. I know it is very homophobic, but still I love Russia.

So, as of now my goal is to save $100 per week until next summer. This will leave me with about $4,500 dollars. A very obtainable goal, with discipline! I need to pay down my credit card which was $1,300 3 months ago. Over the last few months, from my new job I've brought it down to $750... I'm trying to discipline my mind to stop buying clothes, and stupid shit!

Like when I went to SoBe in March, I dropped almost 400 bucks on clothes. Which I still have not worn! I can deal with FCUK sales, and Rugged Warehouse to look cute! I swear gay youth in this country place so much emphasis, on D&G, Prada, Armani, and other such things... I will not give into this! But yeah, I am excited I have written down my goals.

Moscow State University offers a 6 week intensive language course for 1070 Euros, about $1,700. Which includes dorm, food, tuition, and other such living expenses. Then $1000 for the airlines ticket, and I think should stay a few weeks in hostels and such with my newly found gift of the Russian Language! I can do it for $3,000 and live very comfortably, but still I want to stay maybe an extra month!

I'm sad no college offers Russian in my area. My school sure as hell doesn't! Ones in Atlanta do, but that is 65 miles away. Shame, but one of the girls I work with is Russian. She has a degree in teaching, and journalism from back home in Russia. I am hoping she might want to do private lessons until then. So I shall let you know!

Bois are an enigma to myself. Being one, I thought I would have a little bit of luck understanding one. However, such a philosophy in the gay scene of GAY-T-L, just doesn't hold true.

Bois come and go like the wind, a whisper in my hear. Hoping I can understand them when heard, but they turn out to be nothing more then murmurs.

However, if there is one thing I have learned it is this. Bois like to screw with your mind, they lure you into this trap they have setup. Flirting with you across the room, sending you those glances, and then that little smirk. Which I have determined means I want to fuck you, not get to know you. Those quickie fucks can be fun though, and many times it turns into many quickie fucks. So, a sigh of relief to the fact that I do get some action.

The older I get though, the stronger the urge is to find someone compatible with myself. I've had one boyfriend, and that lasted a few month. I was 16 or 17, and still in the closest, and that boi moved far away. We do not speak, but I just want to call him sometimes. To know I can throw the ever unfolding dramas of my life onto someone. To have him say, " Baby Boy, everything will be okay."

But who do I myself have to turn to? Well my mother is a psychotic delusional menopausal bitch, who rules the third layer of hell known as my house, enough said. Then there are my two younger twin brother all of the age of 16. They are morons, straight skateboarding emo/punkish kids who are the rebels of society. Yet, I still care for them. Then finally my two youngest brothers, who are just, well Distant.

I have taken a two year break from school. I had this grand dream of creating a multi-million dollar empire, making the pages of Forbes, Money, and the WSJ. Being the envy of businessmen everywhere, and ruling atop a skyscraper in NYC. This dream was shattered with the reality of energy, the unstable economy, and clients who don't understand the concept of paying their bills on time.

Now, I just finished my first quarter at small two year school in Metro Atlanta. I am a business management major, with no huge aspiration, besides graduating and getting out of my house.

And above all else I need a boi!

The spring of 2007 was my final year in cheerleading, but I stayed active. Through the summer I stayed active, but I continued to eat a lot. I kept my weight somehow in a checks and balances... Well August rolls around, and I start college. I was only part time taking 9 credit hours, not a full course load, but a lot on top of my my full time work schedule. I found a way to balance it...

September comes, and we move into a new house. It is a beautiful house, only problem it's 30 minutes away from the nearest gym. Frantic I suck it up, and manage to get in the gym 3 days a week. Well I gained a 8 pounds when finals, papers, and work got tough from October-December. Then I leave to backpack Mexico for 3 weeks. It was a great expiereance, and the food was OMG. It was so OMG when I got back on January 11th, I weighed 148... I have continued to eat like a bottomless pig, and this morning my weight hit 150.1 LBS.

Not only is this not going to fly, it's going to all go away. My ass looks like cottage cheese, my stomach has a pooch thing, my abs are now down to a hardly visible 2 pack, and I can feel my thighs rubbing together. On top of this my jeans aren't fitting well, and I just feel disgusting.

So tomorrow I start the Abd Diet... I will post pictures frequently, and all that good stuff.

2 nights ago I was editing my template, and I screwed it up... I lost my links, and my favorite template I spent hours figuring out about 2 years ago!

Okay, I 've had the worst 2 days in a long ass time... Here is how it has gone down.

Yesterday, I was going to work, and got pulled over for speeding. The cop was nice enough to drop it town from 14 over to 11 over to keep points of my record. Then about 4 hours later I was backing out of the driveway for work, and I ran into a tree now the back of my truck is dinged up to hell. Finally, I went to get gas yesterday, and paid $60 cash inside. After I paid I went to the bathroom, and went back out to my truck. I hopped in, and just drove off. After realizing what I did almost 20 minutes later I went back, and someone had used my gas. They couldn't refund it...

Then today I had to be at class at 8AM for a field trip I have been looking forward to for eons. Well what in the damn hell do you think happens? They cancel the trip at 10 AM this morning, and it will be at least 5 months before they can reschedule...( This isn't that bad, I just wanted to go on this trip!)

On another note... I start the Abs Diet on Monday, no I am not fat or even hefty. I am slim, but have gained about 8 pounds, my abs are kinda hidden... I want them back!

God Bless Sugarland,

T